June 2007 Archives

Some days it just seems like you're a cactus.

The people that went on the canoe trip Saturday saw where I cut my fingers but here they are a few days later. They don't hurt as bad today but the one is still wuite tender.

In other news the ambien cr don't seem to be helping me sleep that much either. I am still looking in a new matress but $1800 is just really hard to swallow.

We came, we canoed, time to feed the animals.

Heading home from the doctor's office now. He still thinks I can't sleep because of my back and an inflamed disc. So he gave me some new anti-inflamatory medicine and prescribed physical therapy. Also since the cymbalta seems to make me dizzy when I close my eyes he is switching me over to lexapro.

I probably need see the psychiatrist that he keeps mentioning as well seeing how my other problem isn't going to just go away. I ammuse I will have problems with trusting people for some time to come.

I need to sit down and decide about going on the canoe trip tomorrow. If these new ambien cr pills work I won't wake up in time to catch a ride in Nashville. Socialize or try to get a good nights sleep? That is a tough one.

I found this hilarious and had to share.

At the tone the time will be 10pm eastern. *beep*

Trying my best to make ir home tonight in time to get to work tomorrow. Between 5 and 6 hours to go, but the trip was 110% worth it. Arnold, PeggyM Hollis and my dearest friend Anna perked up my spirits a great deal and I thank them.

We are currently hot footing it out of Alabama back toward civilization. Doesn't she look thrilled.

So yeah it's finally done. I've been told that it wasn't dragged on and on as some type of torture to get back at me for what I have caused but that is how it seems. There is one phrase that I don't use lightly and I think too many people bandy it about today to the point that it loses the meaning that it should have. You can figure the phrase out on your own but very few will ever hear it from me. How else can I put this I've been broken down to my lowest point and it will take someone truly extraordinary to ever put the pieces back. A piece of me is truly dead now and I have no idea how I will ever get it back.

How is it that you can just keep someone going on just because you are afraid they are going to do something? Afraid they might spill your secret, afraid they might hurt their self. Do you have no consideration what just waiting can do? Hearing but not seeing, given a string just to have it ripped away? It is just cruel to go on like that. At least now I know just how easy it is to lie to my face.

Just leave me alone.

Well this entry was long brewing and today it seems that it finally needs to be said. Several months back my life was drastically changed and forced me to deal with some things and issues that I didn't ever want to have to. I ended up losing my best friend and probably one of the few loves I will have in my life. Granted this love obviously wasn't reciprocated or I wouldn't be in the situation that I am currently wallowing in. What am I talking about? Well how do I put this where I don't come off looking like I am starving for attention and crying out for help like some lost emo kid.

Let me try it like this. Absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder. Absence allows opens a hole that has to be filled with something. In my case from many years of poor relationships I see the hole forming and it starts to back fill with bile and putrid thoughts. In some cases it is all in my head. In this particular case after much thought and anguish I came to the realization that I was once again used. Once the situation was no longer favorable for my other half I was very quickly discarded to the weeds from to never again be gazed upon. Yay emo. Short version of this story is when you are in love with someone and they don't love you back and they are just using you to fill a hole in their life and then they get caught. You get tossed aside, expect it, prepare for it, IT SUCKS. People like want you to believe that everything is fine, everything will work out. In the real world people tend to not take things very well. In my case I have been going through a very severe depression for months. It has gotten to the point that most anyone I talked to on a regular basis could see through the thinly veiled disguise that I managed to hold onto while working. The truth behind the mask is that I have ended most of the connections to my family and friends because I didn't want anyone to see the weak mess that I have lapsed into. The things they don't really talk about that comes along with depression is the lack of motivation and the inability to concentrate on anything. There are days when it feels as if I have 50lb weights attached to my legs and I cannot move them from the bed. I can't sleep through the night. I wake up in cold sweats with recurring thoughts running through my mind. There have been days on end I just completely forget to eat and get these really bad headaches that go on for days. Constantly on edge and not knowing what to do. I can't tell anyone what is going on because I am ashamed that anyone should know.

A few weeks ago I hit bottom and finally broke down to get help. I now have many pills and there are days like today that they seem to be nothing more than aspirin. It is one thing to say I have hit bottom and another thing completely for me to explain why I finally had to get help. I've been holding in all my thoughts because the one person in the world I could talk to about it wasn't speaking to me. Yeah isn't that great, I was told not to talk to anyone but her and in the end her not talking to me has pretty much made me crack under the weight. So I wake up one morning as I sit there thinking about the day ahead I get this idea. What would happen if I were to die? How would anyone know how to shut down my servers? Who would pay my last bills? How long would it be if I were to die in my sleep before anyone found me? So I made a list of all my accounts, login names and passwords and put it in a cupboard unmarked. Now this doesn't seem all that bad of an idea in and of itself it really was the next part that finally made me say i've had enough. Where and by whom would you want to find you after the fact? A second part to that was what kind of mess would be left and who would have to deal with that? I started to select locations and scenarios. The determining factors were pain, probability of success and cleanup. There were the obvious, gunshot, car wreck, over dose. The ones that were really disturbing were things like gunshot in the shower with the water running, thinking it would keep the mess down. The wildest of them was trying to figure out how to rig the webcam to record it then post it postmortem, this method ensured being found sooner rather than later. And last I pondered on a video will of sorts burned to dvd to be left with my body wherever the deed was finally done. As I thought about the video there is the line that begins most if not all wills "being of sound mind and body I decree...." and I thought on how crazy that line was. Because of the fact that I was even thinking about this I was obviously not sound of mind.

I don't know where this is going and I don't know how to end it. All I can say is I am having alot of trouble dealing with this and I can't keep it in any longer. You think you know it all and you know the players of this tale, keep it to yourself cause it doesn't need you adding to it. I am hurting and very burdened by all this and it isn't getting any better keeping it all in.

The moral of this story isn't "Don't get caught" it is probably more of a "Don't expect anything good from life and you can't be disappointed." As soon as you think you have something good, it is just waiting to you to be off guard to smash you back into the dirt.

I knew I hit a bird today on the way back from MO but I had no idea it came home with me.